THE SEARCH FOR A SOUL MATE

By Jennifer E. Jones CBN.com Producer

Earlier this year, America was surprised to learn that, based on a recent U.S. census, 51 percent of women are not married. Stats like this were not surprising to writer and TV producer Andrea Wiley. She walked away from a successful Hollywood career (The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, The Jamie Foxx Show, The Parkers, etc.) to address the startling issue as it relates to the African American community. For two years, she conducted her own research and found shocking results.

Seventy percent of all African American women are single. Nearly 45 percent of all African American women have never been married. Between the ages of 30 and 35, almost 50 percent of African American women have never been married compared to 16 percent of White women. African American women are five times more likely to be single at 40 than White women. These findings and more are the fuel behind her latest DVD documentary, Soulmate. It’s an introspective look at singleness through the eyes of those who live it. In interviews with everyday singles, authors such as Michelle McKinney Hammond, the Rev. Dr. Cynthia L. Hale, and many others, Wiley uncovers the good, the bad, and the downright ugly of finding Mr. Right.

I chatted with Wiley, who spoke candidly about the documentary from her home in Los Angeles, California.

'Why Are You Still Single?' Wiley conducted many “man-on-the-street” interviews to capture how average singles felt about their search for love. She found both sexes lamenting how difficult it was to even date successfully. With men and women expressing concern for the lack of available options, it’s a wonder why they can’t find each other.

I posed the question to Wiley who said with a laugh, “That’s the million dollar question! The women are serious. They’re saying they’re out there. I do not know why both groups are saying they can’t find good people when you and I personally know that there are tons of great women out there. There are a lot of good men; there just are not as many.”

Wiley found that the ratio of college-aged Black men in college versus prison is only 2.6 to 1, whereas 28 to 1 for White men.

“That’s huge,” she exclaims. “Then you look at the fact that more and more Black women are going to college than Black men. That’s the time when women meet potential husbands. But for many women, they’re looking around and seeing more of themselves. You eliminate the men who are married, gay… There are less and less Black men who are available.”

Wiley says that high standards and impossible criteria could also attribute to the disconnect.

“They could have a great candidate under their noses, and they’re over looking them,” she explains. “They don’t make enough money; they don’t have enough education (or in the women’s case, they’re too educated); they’re too high-maintenance. And we’re not taking the time to just stop, communicate and find out the heart of a person.”

'Behind the Mask' In the documentary, Wiley filmed roundtable discussions with singles on their hopes and fears in love.

During one emotional moment, 40-year-old celebrity makeup artist, Vanessa, confessed, “Because I believe there is no one for me, I’ve allowed ministry to take over my world… I say, ‘God, you’ve given me all these gifts… and when I come home and turn the key, there’s no one to share it with.’ Sometimes when I come home, it’s so devastating that I sit on that couch and I cry.”

Former singles pastor Donald Bell concurred that church can be both a haven and a lonely place. He said of his own singleness, “I dove into ministry, dove into being folks’ friends, and all the other things that look like I’m managing this thing well. What I did not realize -- and it’s the truth that I based the entire singles ministry on – was that I ain’t the only one. Feels like it, but I’m not the only one.”

So is it true that singles in the church are hiding their loneliness behind achievement and busyness?

“Absolutely, “Wiley says. “We are all born with a hole in our souls, and it’s a hole that we try to fill with money, sex, work, prestige, and status. People are still unfilled. It’s a hole I believe that God placed there, and it’s a God-sized hole that only He can fill. I think because of that void, we try to mask it, stuff it and deal with it in every way but how we should – and that’s completed surrender to the Lord and seeking Him for our purpose.”

PART II

I recently chatted with documentary filmmaker Andrea Wiley on her new DVD, Soulmate. In our previous interview, we discussed why so many African American women are single and the importance of finding one's purpose in Christ.

Along with the struggles of singleness, Wiley tackles dating in the Christian culture and how the process should prepare couples for marriage rather than be a stumbling block.

From Waiting to Dating Among the well known women interviewed in Soulmate, Wiley talked to writer and speaker Michelle McKinney Hammond who is known for her books on singleness. Wiley asked McKinney Hammond why the prolific author was still single.

“The first part of my life I made really bad choices,” she said. “I liked the wrong kind of men. One day I realized it wasn’t them; it was me. We attract what we are. Subconsciously, I was commitment-phobic and didn’t realize it.. So I was very comfortable with other commitment-phobics, even though intellectually I was insisting that I wanted this wonderful relationship. I wasn’t willing to do the work that it takes to have a good love relationship.”

Wiley agrees that singles make wrong decisions in dating that can lead them off track, and it’s up to God to bring them back.

“What could be the greatest time-saver is prayer. God answer prayers, and He increases your spirit of discernment,” Wiley tells CBN.com. “All you have to do is ask. A lot of times we make the mistake of going on raw emotion and passion. We don’t check in with the One who knows so that He can impress upon our spirits. The most important thing we can do is spend time with God.”

Wiley encourages singles and married people alike to start their days with devotional time.

“There’s a practice that I do called ‘FLY’ time,” she says. “It stands for: first love, yes – saying ‘yes’ to your first love, who is God, first thing in the morning. Like bread, we are freshest in the morning. Why not get up and get your marching orders from the leader?”

Here Comes the Bride (Finally) Soulmate not only chronicled the lives of single women but it also looked at women who married over the age of 40.

Valorie Clayton married just before her 40th birthday. She confessed that she spent most of her adult years as the perpetual bridesmaid. Then, after years of frustration….

“Jerome and I knew each other from church,” she said on the DVD. “He ended up being my secret admirer. He sent a dozen roses to my job, and for 30 days he wrote poems and letters. I didn’t know who it was from. Then he sent an invitation for me to meet him at dinner. I walked in, and it was someone I already knew.”

“I wanted to give women hope as well,” Wiley explains. “If you noticed, every single one of those women said that they would not have traded one day of their prolonged singleness for anything, because they realize that was the time the Lord was using to prepare them for marriage.”

Wiley believes that many singles get engaged without fully understanding what it means.

“We walk into marriage for the most part clueless about what to expect,” she explains. “Yet we’re all pining, ‘We want to get married; we want to have children.’ Do you know what that entails?”

She references the heart-wrenching story of Paula Bond-Fitten, a woman interviewed for Soulmate who got married only to become her new husband's caretaker after learning he had cancer. Wiley challenges singles to be prepared for any situation and that life after “I do” may not be as easy as one thinks.

She continues, “I wanted women to see the reality of marriage and also to have hope… Trust in your singleness, and perhaps God has a husband for you, perhaps He doesn’t. But look at how these women surrendered and look at the fruitful marriages they’re having. Look at how they allowed the Lord to prepare them for how to be married.”

About Andrea Wiley The woman behind Soulmate has a love story all her own that is full of trials and redemption.

"This is my second marriage. I was married at 25 for the first time. To be honest with you, if I were where I am now in my walk with the Lord, I'd still be married," Wiley shares. "I was one of those selfish, ambitious women. I had a good husband, but again I was not prepared."

Wiley's parents divorced when she was eight years old. She found that when the hard times came into her marriage, she didn't know how to stick it out. Her first marriage lasted only three years.

"I was remarried at 33. I went to a political fundraiser, and it was the kind of thing where our eyes locked from across the room. We started dating, and we had a really good relationship."

So what has Wiley's own romantic journey taught her about life?

"The Lord did and is continuing to break me and make me understand that it is not about me. I have to break out of the mindset of the culture daily," she says. "[I need to] esteem my husband as greater, to learn to submit even if I don't agree."

Without reservation, Wiley believes that marriage is one of the hardest jobs that God will ever call a woman to. However, the blessings that flow through it are worth the struggle. She says that, whether married or single, a life in pursuit of Christ is the only path to true happiness.

She continues, "That's spiritual maturity. Are you willing to follow Him no matter what?"

 

More on the Soulmate Documentary>>